Ive talked to my demons last night, they were angry when I failed. Said I could achieve so much more, be so much more. They said I could fly but my feet had only touched hills, when im supposed to be among the stars. So I felt them ache my heart, and bruise my soul and bring me down until I could feel my face at the cold, cold, cold floor. What was I supposed to do when fate seemed to be against me? I didn’t fight when I felt their hands push me away, but I knew I’d fall deeper with their strenght than what the world had done to me.
But The more I listened, the more their voices sounded sad than angry. Sounded like the world had been so unfair to us, sounded like they blamed me but cried to failures. Why were we not enough?
So i let the rain pour down from their eyes until it reached mine. I said calm down, we’ll fight better. We’ll be wiser and stronger,and we’ll learn from our mistakes and when we fall, we’ll rise again.
I’m sorry if I was going too fast, too quickly I didnt have time to read between the lines you wrote. It’s because I saw myself with you at the end of the road even when I was barely halfway. Like I knew for a brief moment where I should be, I should be in the space between your arms
But I know now we’re travelling at different paces, while I run, you walk. While I travel a straight path, yours is filled with crossroads- still uncertain if it will lead you to me. So take your time and live all you can, and I’ll let you go with a smile, while I pick up my heart and leave it again at someone else’s door until I’m finally welcomed home.
Hush now dear, youve been wiping away tears for weeks. I know you said it will stop, but we’ve been here before and youve said that a hundred times. Youve been chasing after shadows in the night we could barely see while the light we’ve been holding has long burnt out.
So why dont we let go of the love that doesnt belong to us. The longer we held the more broken we became. And it’s not long until we don’t recognize who we are when we’ve stooped so low to beg for a love long gone.
I remember the weight of your body pressed against mine as we slept all cuddled in my single bed. I can still smell your hair, and I can feel your heat like it was small flame in my chest, my limbs and my mouth. And I knew where I belong when you held me- It was in every moment I spent with you.
The footsteps you made yesterday were washed by rain this morning before we woke up. It’s past nine but the sun is clouded, and outside is cold like it’s already December when we’re barely past half of the year. We both know this day is different. Everything is calm and at peace, but not you and not me.
I asked you to stay even when you sounded like you wanted to leave. But you are a ghoul in the night, and I know how you will never settle. I heard you say, “remove the portraits on our walls”, but they will become hollow like the people we were before we found each other. I can hold you now, but you will always pass through the gaps in between my fingers. I will always try but you will always slip away.
I held you in bed, and I said I will not let go and you didn’t move away, but why did I feel a struggle bringing us back and forth to place I didn’t want to go? I can’t breathe while you sounded fine, and you take it away from me, you take away a beat from me.
You can be water vaporizing in front of me in blistering sun, but I will always try to catch a piece of you, please
They can proclaim love that will build this world, but if you choose me I can burn everything and build them all over again if you ask me to. I can start wars and bring society to chaos in pursuit of your affection. They can promise you the light: I promise you fire, darkness, daylight and everything else, because I can do good and evil if it means keeping you.
Maybe one day you’d find my poems in books or see them framed and hanged on walls of famous restaurants whose owners I’ve befriended.
I hope you’d carefully read each line and somehow realize they sound like the ones I’ve always written for you before we drifted apart.
I hope you’d feel the familiarity when you mouth the words like something you thought you loved crawling out its way from your throat.
Maybe one day, we’d sit across each other at a cozy coffee shop. Not saying a word but both aware of each other’s presence.
You would read your book while I’m absorbed with something else, and I would be afraid of looking at your direction.
You’d cut your hair shorter, you wouldn’t wear glasses anymore and maybe you’d be a little fairer than I remember.
Maybe one day, we’d bump into each other and we’d finally talk and laugh on how you used to take control over me.
How your skin, your lips, your smile drove me at the edge of a cliff, but it’s in the past by then.
We would wave goodbye and I wouldn’t feel pained anymore unlike the last time we parted ways
I heard there are infinite parallel universe(s) where you and I exist the same yet differently. In one of those, we could have chosen different careers and we could have made our childhood dreams come true. Maybe while I’m lost in this universe, I am thriving in the other. While I can’t find purpose here, I have found my resolve in the next parallel universe. And it goes like that like we have different versions of ourselves that are the same but not quite.
But more than anything, I’d like to keep the faith that the love we have lost here blossoms elsewhere. That there are versions of you and me who have stayed together through hurdles we couldn’t overcome. I’d like to believe that somewhere out there in the vast space, where in the night all I could see are splatters of light, out of reach- live a different us where we made it way we promised we would.
And maybe we can let go right now knowing that our happy ending still exists in another universe.
All I wanted was to be loved without reservation