I remember the weight of your body pressed against mine as we slept all cuddled in my single bed. I can still smell your hair, and I can feel your heat like it was small flame in my chest, my limbs and my mouth. And I knew where I belong when you held me- It was in every moment I spent with you.
The footsteps you made yesterday were washed by rain this morning before we woke up. It’s past nine but the sun is clouded, and outside is cold like it’s already December when we’re barely past half of the year. We both know this day is different. Everything is calm and at peace, but not you and not me.
I asked you to stay even when you sounded like you wanted to leave. But you are a ghoul in the night, and I know how you will never settle. I heard you say, “remove the portraits on our walls”, but they will become hollow like the people we were before we found each other. I can hold you now, but you will always pass through the gaps in between my fingers. I will always try but you will always slip away.
I held you in bed, and I said I will not let go and you didn’t move away, but why did I feel a struggle bringing us back and forth to place I didn’t want to go? I can’t breathe while you sounded fine, and you take it away from me, you take away a beat from me.
You can be water vaporizing in front of me in blistering sun, but I will always try to catch a piece of you, please
They can proclaim love that will build this world, but if you choose me I can burn everything and build them all over again if you ask me to. I can start wars and bring society to chaos in pursuit of your affection. They can promise you the light: I promise you fire, darkness, daylight and everything else, because I can do good and evil if it means keeping you.
Maybe one day you’d find my poems in books or see them framed and hanged on walls of famous restaurants whose owners I’ve befriended.
I hope you’d carefully read each line and somehow realize they sound like the ones I’ve always written for you before we drifted apart.
I hope you’d feel the familiarity when you mouth the words like something you thought you loved crawling out its way from your throat.
Maybe one day, we’d sit across each other at a cozy coffee shop. Not saying a word but both aware of each other’s presence.
You would read your book while I’m absorbed with something else, and I would be afraid of looking at your direction.
You’d cut your hair shorter, you wouldn’t wear glasses anymore and maybe you’d be a little fairer than I remember.
Maybe one day, we’d bump into each other and we’d finally talk and laugh on how you used to take control over me.
How your skin, your lips, your smile drove me at the edge of a cliff, but it’s in the past by then.
We would wave goodbye and I wouldn’t feel pained anymore unlike the last time we parted ways
I heard there are infinite parallel universe(s) where you and I exist the same yet differently. In one of those, we could have chosen different careers and we could have made our childhood dreams come true. Maybe while I’m lost in this universe, I am thriving in the other. While I can’t find purpose here, I have found my resolve in the next parallel universe. And it goes like that like we have different versions of ourselves that are the same but not quite.
But more than anything, I’d like to keep the faith that the love we have lost here blossoms elsewhere. That there are versions of you and me who have stayed together through hurdles we couldn’t overcome. I’d like to believe that somewhere out there in the vast space, where in the night all I could see are splatters of light, out of reach- live a different us where we made it way we promised we would.
And maybe we can let go right now knowing that our happy ending still exists in another universe.
All I wanted was to be loved without reservation
Maybe I can take you home just for tonight, just this once and we can fake feeling alive in each other’s arms
Maybe you can hum a song as I rest my head on your lap and I’d finally fall asleep over resltess nights of regrets and sorrows
Or I can hold you and kiss your lips and pretend we’re not strangers so I could breathe again from cold chains holding me by the heart
And I’ll kiss your neck from your jaw to the bone above your chest to relive the feelings I had before enough to keep me awake at night
I’ll explore your body like I’d find familiarity and calmness way I used to when she wrapped me in embrace
And you can tell my why you’re in a place like this, dripped in tears when you whisper to me someone else’s name
Maybe we can stay like this just for tonight, just this once and we can pretend we’re holding somebody else until sunrise
I buried your memories piece by piece from what I can let go from time to time until all that was left was dirt on my hands, but even then I can’t seem to wash you away. I could rub off the colour of my skin but not you underneath my fingernails from when I buried them in your skin as I screamed for your name.
You were the storm and I was hoping you’d let me see the sun in your darkness but now I’m burning all that we were along with unread letters I’ve sent to you even when I can write them all over again and word by word -after all, all I’ve ever known is to run after you, and I’m afraid that maybe, I will always do.
He was a stardust
Gone astray from a meteor
to fall at your side